Three exits a few miles apart
Drive west out of London on the M4 and the airport comes first: junction 4 for the central terminals, then the huge interchange with the M25 at junction 4b. After that the motorway runs along the southern side of Slough, and within a few miles it offers three exits that all say Slough on the signs and lead to three quite different places. Junction 5 serves Langley and the east. Junction 6 serves the town centre and Windsor. Junction 7 serves Burnham, Taplow and the country to the west.
The sat nav will get you to any of them, but it chooses by the postcode, and a postcode on the edge of a town can send you off at the wrong junction and round every roundabout in Slough to reach a hotel that was a minute from the next exit. Knowing which junction belongs to which hotel saves that lap. This stretch of the M4 is also a smart motorway with variable limits on the gantries, so watch the signs rather than the speed you are used to.
Junction 5: Langley, Datchet and the back door to Terminal 5
Junction 5 is Langley's junction, and Langley is built around it. A hotel stands on Ditton Road almost on top of the slip road, and it is where most Langley evenings begin. From the same junction the old Bath Road runs east through Colnbrook to the cluster of hotels around Poyle and the Old Bath Road that exist for Terminal 5, a few minutes further on.
South from junction 5 a smaller road leads down to Datchet, the riverside village under ten minutes away, and on through it to Windsor by the back way. It is the pleasantest drive of the three junctions, and on an evening when the main road into Windsor is busy it can be the quicker one. Coming from London to the Terminal 5 hotels, it is often simpler still to leave the M4 at the M25 and come off at junction 14, which is the airport's own exit on that side.
Junction 6: Slough, Windsor and Eton
Junction 6 is the busiest of the three and the one most visitors want. North of it lies the middle of Slough. The hotel on Cippenham Lane is about two minutes from the roundabout, and the one on Church Street in Chalvey is a few minutes further towards the centre. Both are easy to reach and awkward to walk from, which is the trade off for being beside a motorway.
South of junction 6 the relief road runs down to the river and crosses it into Windsor, and the High Street hotels are about ten minutes from the motorway on a normal evening. Parking at the town centre hotels is limited, so ask when you book rather than when you arrive. Eton is the one place to be careful with. The old bridge between the two towns carries no cars, so Eton is reached by road from the Slough side rather than through Windsor. Allow for the longer way round, then leave the car and walk.
Junction 7: Burnham, Taplow, Dorney and the country houses
Junction 7 sits at the western edge of Slough, and it is the exit for everything that feels like country. Turn north and Burnham village is a few minutes away, with Burnham Beeches and the country house hotels beyond it, set out in the guide to Burnham Beeches in October. Turn west along the old Bath Road and Taplow comes next, with Cliveden up the hill above the river.
South of the junction lies Dorney and the rowing lake that Eton College built, which hosted the rowing at the 2012 Olympics. Beyond junction 7 the next exit is 8/9 for Maidenhead, the Shoppenhangers Road hotels and Bray, which is where the motorway stops being a Slough road and becomes a Thames Valley one.
The mistakes a sat nav makes out here
Enter the hotel's name as well as its postcode. Some of the hotels here share a postcode with a trading estate, an office park or a row of houses, and the pin can land on the back of a building with no entrance on that side. Hotels beside junctions are often reached from a service road rather than the main carriageway, and missing the turn means another lap of the roundabout.
Distrust any route that takes you through the middle of Slough to reach Windsor or Burnham at five o'clock. The town centre roads are slow at the end of the working day, and the motorway and the relief road are nearly always faster even when they look longer on the screen. And for the terminal hotels, the airport's own signs are more reliable than any app, because the roads around Heathrow change with the building work that never quite stops.
Timing the drive and the booking
The M4 westbound out of London is at its slowest between about half four and seven, and an evening that begins with a drive from town at half five should allow twice the time the map suggests. Most companions come out by train rather than by car, which is why a firm hotel name and start time matter so much more than a rough area.
Tell Etta the hotel and, if you are driving to dinner, the junction you will be using and where the table is. For an evening that stays in the hotel, the hotel call out starts at £250 for an hour. Where the drive to dinner is fifteen or twenty minutes each way, three hours at £700 is the length that stops the evening feeling like a car journey, and a country house dinner at Taplow or Burnham wants the four hour booking at £900. Her fee is given to her in person when you meet, the figure Etta confirmed in writing.
Companions who know the roads
Angelika has a realistic sense of how long a drive takes and times her own journeys properly, and most of her evenings start at the hotel by junction 6. Michelle knows the river at Datchet at dusk and the pubs with fires down the back road from junction 5. Patricia is calm in the corner of the county that never sleeps, the Terminal 5 belt reached from the same exit, and likes a quiet hotel and a late dinner after a long day.
All three are on the statuesque list, 172 cm and upwards, and Angelika is among the toned as well. Everyone free this week is on who is on.
Cross filed: most of the names on this marker also sit on the statuesque list under by look.